Honestly

  

The main problem with having a blog titled "Life Conquered" is that it's only really possible to write relevant posts when you feel as though you are conquering life. This is all well and good when you're accomplishing things and feel on top of the world. It doesn't work so well when you feel as though life is conquering you. The song above is one of my personal favorites, and it always seems to crop up in my life when I need it most. 

 
Honestly, can I tell you where I'm at? 

Honestly, can I pull the curtain back?

Will you run if you see how weak I am?

People have this idea of what it means to be me, of who I am and what I think and feel and do. I helped them create that idea through the things I said and just as importantly, through the things I left unsaid. I hid the truth behind a curtain to protect my heart, so I didn't have to feel hurt or pain or sadness. I am afraid that if people know who I really am, they'll run away from me. But at the same time I want to let them in.

Honestly, I'm growing sick and tired.
Honestly, it hurts too much to hide.
Brokenness that's killing us inside.

I'm tired of pretending to be something I'm not. I'm sick of hiding everything inside. It hurts to pretend I'm not broken even when my world is falling apart and to go through the motions acting like I've got it all figured out when I don't. I spent so much time pretending, following a script I learned to keep people from asking too many questions. I don't want to do that anymore.

If you don't see the real me, you won't see what mercy's done.
If you don't see my weakness, you won't see what Love has won.
If you don't see the distance from the darkness to the sun,
You won't see
Honestly

I talk a lot about how my life has changed recently, how God is working and how different I feel from the person I was in high school. But what does that mean to most people? Probably next to nothing, because in high school I was pretty much your stereotypical picture of a well-adjusted, intelligent student. So what, God took me from doing pretty well to...still doing pretty well? Stunning.

Well, not exactly. God took me through Hell, actually. I've doubted everything I thought I knew to be true, including the existence of God himself. I've hated myself, the person I was, my thoughts and actions. I've wanted to run away, to sleep for a decade, to change my body. I hurt until I couldn't hurt anymore. I became numb to the world. That's where I really am. That's how far down God had to reach for me.

Let the light escape from this hole inside my soul
When I start to break then grace begins to flow
Let the light escape from this lonely place inside my soul
Honestly

But that isn't where I'm staying. I have light inside me. It's trapped behind so many walls but it's there, just waiting to burst through the second I open the door. We all have masks and walls we hide behind. And we all have the power to get rid of them and let people see us for what we really are. I don't want to hide anymore. I want to show Him. I don't want to be numb and lonely. I want to spread love to others and know that I am worthy of love myself.

And that's the honest truth.