Life is Hard (I'm Getting Over It)

Life is hard.

For as long as I can remember, that phrase has been my parents’ go-to response every time my sisters or I complained about a chore or cried about a grade or tried to get out of an event.

“I can’t do physics, it’s too hard!”

“Yeah, well, life is hard, kid. Get over it.”

At the time, I didn’t appreciate the sentiment and its ability to dismiss whatever I was feeling in favor of working through the problem to find the solution. And to be honest, I still don’t really like it.

Life is hard. I don’t think, as kids, we can appreciate the weight of this fact that our parents and elders toss around so haphazardly. Physics is hard, sure. Running 3.1 miles in the August heat is difficult, yes. And I maintain that folding a fitted sheet is a task that can only be accomplished through sheer black magic. But none of those things are essential – despite my mom’s frustration, I could go on living my entire life and never fold a fitted sheet.

I cannot, however, go on living and not…well…live. And yet, at its very core, this thing called existence can feel damn near impossible sometimes. The present demands to be seen and felt and dealt with constantly, and yet I find myself drawn to a preoccupation with an intense ache for the past, as though wanting it enough can bring back easier times and free me from the trials of the present.

I was active in Campus Ministry at a Catholic university for 5 years, so I’ve heard the phrase “we are all beautifully broken” more times than I can count. But it wasn’t until I had graduated and tried to move into “real life” that I truly appreciated what that means. Post-grad life has shown me summarily that whatever else I am, I am most definitely broken. I have been cast out into the world, ejected from the structures and families that helped me feel safe for the majority of my life, and the ground has shifted under my feet. I have wallowed, I have cried, I have screamed into the void, I have taken up and dropped more hobbies than I can count in the 4 short months that have passed since my graduation, but none of these things have served to patch me back together.

Life is hard. Life in college was hard, and life before college was hard, and so far life after college has been the most difficult time yet. But I am writing this post to remind myself that I have always made it through.

When I look back on the fear I felt as I stood, trembling, in the bathroom contemplating ditching out on the college job interview that I couldn’t yet know would change my life, I don’t regret doing the difficult thing and walking in to the room, instead of running away from it. When I remember how difficult it was for freshman me to step out of my dorm room and go out to a social event with people I didn’t know, I don’t for a second wish that I had stayed inside in my pajamas binge-watching The Office and eating trail mix. At the time, those things felt impossible. And yet I did them. I trusted that good would come from the pain, and I chose to suck it up, kid. And the result was a chain reaction of things more beautiful than I ever could have imagined.

Life right now just feels hard. And I am not by any stretch claiming to have a remedy for that. The aching is still present every day, and maybe it always will be. Five years ago, I thought life was always going to be bland and scary and terrible and I had accepted that fate for myself when suddenly life came around and showed me the beauty that can be. Maybe I’ve lost a lot of that perspective since then, and I've forgotten to look for the beauty in the brokenness. But I will still continue to choose to do the things that feel impossible, because although this life is hard, it is ridiculously, unceasingly, wonderfully made and beautifully broken, and I choose to stay and see every second of it.

Semicolon 4/16

As the wordiest writer I know, I am a huge fan of the semicolon. It's like grammar created a punctuation mark just for me. Oh, what's that, you wrote an entire sentence but you still want to add another thought to it? Boom. Semicolon. Carry on. (My Writing professor, on the other hand, is not as fond of my punctuating habits. She's constantly inserting periods into my papers. But such is life.)

Anyway. Today is not a day for ranting about grammar and punctuation, even though I could. Today is a special day. There's a post circulating on Tumblr that reads like this: "On April 16, 2013, everyone who self harms, is suicidal, depressed, has anxiety, is unhappy, going through a broken heart, just lost a loved one, etc. draw a semicolon on your wrist. A semicolon represents a sentence the author could've ended, but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life."

That's pretty much powerful enough to stand on its own, so I'll try not to cloud the message up with too much fluff from me. Basically though, I love this idea. We've all been broken. We've all had our down days and our dark times and our moments we wouldn't want to tell anyone about. But our stories aren't over. Our sentences aren't finished. And on days like this, we learn that there are millions of other people out there in the same spot, ready to reach out if we just let them.

It's just beginning.

Honestly

  

The main problem with having a blog titled "Life Conquered" is that it's only really possible to write relevant posts when you feel as though you are conquering life. This is all well and good when you're accomplishing things and feel on top of the world. It doesn't work so well when you feel as though life is conquering you. The song above is one of my personal favorites, and it always seems to crop up in my life when I need it most. 

 
Honestly, can I tell you where I'm at? 

Honestly, can I pull the curtain back?

Will you run if you see how weak I am?

People have this idea of what it means to be me, of who I am and what I think and feel and do. I helped them create that idea through the things I said and just as importantly, through the things I left unsaid. I hid the truth behind a curtain to protect my heart, so I didn't have to feel hurt or pain or sadness. I am afraid that if people know who I really am, they'll run away from me. But at the same time I want to let them in.

Honestly, I'm growing sick and tired.
Honestly, it hurts too much to hide.
Brokenness that's killing us inside.

I'm tired of pretending to be something I'm not. I'm sick of hiding everything inside. It hurts to pretend I'm not broken even when my world is falling apart and to go through the motions acting like I've got it all figured out when I don't. I spent so much time pretending, following a script I learned to keep people from asking too many questions. I don't want to do that anymore.

If you don't see the real me, you won't see what mercy's done.
If you don't see my weakness, you won't see what Love has won.
If you don't see the distance from the darkness to the sun,
You won't see
Honestly

I talk a lot about how my life has changed recently, how God is working and how different I feel from the person I was in high school. But what does that mean to most people? Probably next to nothing, because in high school I was pretty much your stereotypical picture of a well-adjusted, intelligent student. So what, God took me from doing pretty well to...still doing pretty well? Stunning.

Well, not exactly. God took me through Hell, actually. I've doubted everything I thought I knew to be true, including the existence of God himself. I've hated myself, the person I was, my thoughts and actions. I've wanted to run away, to sleep for a decade, to change my body. I hurt until I couldn't hurt anymore. I became numb to the world. That's where I really am. That's how far down God had to reach for me.

Let the light escape from this hole inside my soul
When I start to break then grace begins to flow
Let the light escape from this lonely place inside my soul
Honestly

But that isn't where I'm staying. I have light inside me. It's trapped behind so many walls but it's there, just waiting to burst through the second I open the door. We all have masks and walls we hide behind. And we all have the power to get rid of them and let people see us for what we really are. I don't want to hide anymore. I want to show Him. I don't want to be numb and lonely. I want to spread love to others and know that I am worthy of love myself.

And that's the honest truth.

The Best Thing I've Ever Heard on the Internet (Bonus Rant Included)

     In case you missed me posting it on every other social networking site, at the bottom of this post is the link to what I believe is the most incredible thing I've ever heard on the Internet. It doesn't matter if you listen to it first and then read the rest of this or if you read it first and then listen (I'm personally a fan of doing things in order, but to each his own). Obviously I recommend that you both read this and listen to it, but if you're feeling really lazy or bored with my writing or you just don't have time to do both then jump down right now and listen to it. You will not regret this decision.
     I'm not going to say much, because I think the audio clip pretty much speaks for itself. I just want to add a side rant based on something I've seen going around the web lately. There seems to be this movement of people with mental health problems who think that they can diagnose and give advice to others. On the surface I guess that sounds like a good thing, oh, they want to help people. Except their "advice" is more along the lines of, "If you're just sad sometimes but don't want to die, don't you dare call yourself depressed. If you just skipped a couple meals, don't claim to have an eating disorder. If you only get nervous in certain situations, that's not anxiety. You're fine. Get over it. I'm the one with the real problem here."
     Sue me if that floats your boat, but these people seem to me to be completely and utterly wrong. It disgusts me that anyone, let alone someone who has struggled with something, would ever make someone else feel like their problems aren't important enough to deserve help. Because the way I see it, this isn't a contest and the point isn't whether or not your problem is as severe as anyone else's. The point is that you are struggling with something, be it a food obsession or a feeling of emptiness or a compulsion to hurt yourself so you can get through the day (regardless of whether you're actually starving yourself or planning your death or self-harming) and you deserve help as much as the next person.
     People need to realize that posting things like this, while I'm sure they're well-intentioned attempts to help people understand the severity of some problems, can really hurt people. Reading someone's post that says "Your problems aren't bad enough, you don't deserve help," isn't helpful to anyone. All it does is make a person feel bad about thinking they need help (which in itself is probably enough evidence that you do) decide that they'd just be wasting everyone's time by trying to get it.
     I said I'd keep it short, but you should've known that was a lie if you know anything about me. I'll get off my high horse now. But if you're still with me, seriously, listen to this audio clip. It's a beautiful message that everyone should hear. (Yes, it is specifically aimed at girls, but the general message applies to everyone.)

This One's for the Girls

Milkshakes Melt, People Change

     So recently, I've been doing a lot of thinking about the people that are in my life and how they got there. And perhaps even more, I've been thinking about the people who aren't in my life, or at least aren't in my life in the capacity I would have them be in it.
     I'm sure everyone has at least one person who isn't as big a part of their world as they would hope. There's the family member that doesn't talk to us anymore, the "BFF" that never makes contact, or the guy or girl who was "the one" and ended up being nothing to us. There's the teacher that we never get to talk to after the school year ends, the Facebook friend who won't even give you a passing glance in real life, and the childhood friends turned enemies.
     When relationships don't turn out to be what we expected of them, we're hurt. We feel betrayed by the person, as if they've done us some extreme disservice by not realizing how important they were in our lives. We imagine we can make them feel guilty for pulling away ("when I'm not around anymore he'll realize how much he needed me for sure! He'll be crawling back on his hands and knees. HA.") even though in the eyes of the other person there may not have been any solidly established relationship to pull away from (or to go crawling back to).
     The thing we (or at least I) never seem to consider is that maybe some people were never meant to stay. Maybe some people are sent into our lives to be what we need when we need it most, and then to fade out once we have the skills to cope on our own (even if we don't feel like we do). Maybe some people come into our lives just to make connections, to lead us to other people who are meant to stay a while.
     Maybe, just maybe, there's some higher power who knows a little bit more about what I really need than I do. And maybe I should start trusting that that power knows what He's doing a little more often, because looking back I haven't really been let down yet. Things have changed and people have left but never without making a mark on my life and contributing to who I am today.
     If everyone we met stayed in our lives forever, we'd never form a truly deep relationship with anyone. We couldn't possibly have time to. But maybe by giving parts of ourselves away, living and loving and getting hurt, we learn over time who is meant to go and who is meant to stay, and we grow a little bit along the way.
     Maybe we find that we never really needed anyone else at all.

Filled

     So this year I had four New Year's resolutions and I've already failed at three of them. The fourth is going okay though, for now. That one was to embrace new opportunities and try things I might not have tried before. Basically, I need to get out more. So today I fulfilled that by going to BOW (Breaking Open the Word) with a friend.
     For those of you who don't know (basically all of you), BOW is like a sort of Bible study where you go and listen to the gospel reading for the next weekend's mass, and you listen for a word that stands out to you (God speaking to you, if you will) and then you reflect on that word and how it fits into your life and how it can change your week in a concrete way.
     The reading for this week is this: The people were filled with expectation, and all were asking in their hearts whether John might be the Christ. John answered them all, saying, "I am baptizing you with water, but one mightier than I is coming. I am not worthy to loosen the thongs of his sandals. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire." After all the people had been baptized and Jesus also had been baptized and was praying, heaven was opened and the Holy Spirit descended upon him in bodily form like a dove. And a voice came down from heaven, "You are my beloved Son; with you I am well pleased." -Luke 3:15-16, 21-22
    Despite the request that we "cast off our worries and set this time aside for God" I was still panicking about the pile of homework I had to do, and I'll be the first to admit that I am awful at quietly listening and just letting God (or anyone else for that matter) speak to me. But after a while of trying my best not to force myself onto a word the word that came to me was "filled." And I was like, "filled"? What the heck does that even mean? I tried to come up with a logical explanation for my word but I just couldn't think of any reason God would look down at me and say "Filled." It didn't make sense.
     So I sat there for about 20 minutes while the others shared their words and the ways they felt God wanted those words to apply in their lives, and I tried my best to just let my mind relax. And suddenly there was a thought in my head. Empty. How have you felt the last couple days? Empty. How does it feel not to feel any emotions? Empty. What are your greatest fears in life? Darkness. Being alone. Emptiness. What's the opposite of empty?
     Filled.
     You can make whatever you want of that. I myself have had moments in which I was sure that in the back of my mind, I just found myself a word to answer the questions I was hiding. But whether you want to believe it was God, or just a fantastic trick of the mind, or complete balderdash, it's at the very least a pretty nifty coincidence. I haven't figured out yet exactly how I'm supposed to be "filled" this week but...I guess I'll fill you in on that bit later. For now, the lesson is that sometimes there's benefit to taking time out of our busy schedules to relax and just hear what's going on around us.
     God bless<3

A night divine, indeed.

"O holy night, the stars are brightly shining

It is the night of the dear Savior's birth.

Long lay the world, in sin and error pining

Til He appeared and the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn

Fall on your knees! Oh hear the angel voices!

O night divine

O night when Christ was born

O night, o holy night, o night divine."

'Tis the season - the wreaths are up, the snow has (kind of) fallen, Santa's holding screaming children at the mall, and radio stations everywhere are blaring Christmas songs back to back to back. While this constant assault of Christmas music is the dread of music, it's one of my favorite parts of the holiday season. There are so many Christmas songs to love, and I frequently find myself declaring a new favorite every time the radio DJ switches tunes. 

This one though. It keeps popping up in my life and every time I find myself almost crying as I try to explain to people how much I love it. But here, you guys can't see if I'm crying or not. So I figured I'd try to pass on some of my excitement and Christmas joy and such. Since it's Christmas Eve and I feel like I haven't posted in forever.

So, to start at the beginning: O holy night - It's a HOLY night. All that reason for the season stuff that everyone preaches but no one really listens to. It's not just Christmas. Tonight is a holy night. The stars are brightly shining - I don't know where y'all are from, but down here in the Tiptonian boondocks around Christmastime, the stars are unbelievable. The cold makes the air clearer and on a cloudless night the view can be absolutely breathtaking. Now tonight, go look at those stars and think, those are the same stars that were shining the night Jesus was born. The very same ones the shepherds would've been watching as the traveled and everything. It's awesome. It is the night of the dear Savior's birth - again, with the night thing. Tonight. But I'm more intrigued by the phrase "the dear Savior"...someone so powerful and mighty, come to redeem humanity. But we don't speak of him in terms of awe and fear (not to say there's no respect) but rather in terms of endearment. Because when it came down to it, He was just a helpless, poor little baby. 

Long lay the world in sin and error pining - The world didn't just begin existing at Jesus' birth, although I often catch myself thinking that since that's when we start numbering years. The world was there, and it was full of sin and error (bad stuff). Pining, wasting away in all the awfulness...Til He appeared - and then this baby Jesus comes along and changes everything. And the soul felt its worth - our souls, the very essence of our being, didn't know their worth before He came. We were nothing (and are nothing) without Him.

All it took was A thrill of hope - A thrill. Not a spark or a hint or pinch of hope, but a thrill. Like looking into the eyes of a loved one or dropping down the first hill of a roller coaster or sky diving. Only a million times better. Because it's the thrill of the core of your very existence recognizing its purpose. Because it's Jesus. The weary world rejoices - and what a weary world we live in today. All the tragedy and sorrow and hurting, not just recently but always. There are people who don't feel joy at the Christmas season. There are people who don't feel joy ever. And two thousand years ago, there were all those weary people pining in sin and error. But at the birth of Christ the weary world REJOICED. For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn - Better things are coming. Tomorrow is a new day. The night of Jesus' birth was followed by a morning, a new day, a new age for mankind. And we're living in that glorious morn right now.

Fall on your knees! - Honestly if you haven't done that by now I don't know what else to say to you. It's such a powerful statement to put in the middle of a song like that. Rejoice, be glad, but be reverent - this is the savior of the world! I'm just so overcome by the image, the absolute surrender, of falling on your knees and just worshiping. Oh hear the angel voices - I don't even know which way to go with this. Right now, I'm feeling the fact that angels, who are supposed to be like mighty warriors, are going around spreading news of joy and singing praise to God. That's got to be the most perfect praise ever sung.

O night divine - Let me just remind everyone that the definition of divine is "Of, from, or like God". This night is divine...not like a bad retro movie star (think simply diviiiiine) but like the actual night of God himself. This is HIS time. It's the most serious night of the year and yet the most joyous. It's a wonderful paradox.

I don't know if you understand now. I don't even know if anyone will get the whole way through this. But that's my Christmas rant for the year. Have a blessed and wonderful Christmas and in the event that I'm too lazy to blog this week, a fantastic New Year. 

God bless<3