So first of all, readers, if you haven't read this yet it's fantastic and you should check it out. At the very least you should read this before you go any further because it was the inspiration for this post and a little background is never a bad thing.
That's about all the introduction I have for this really. If you read the background this will probably speak for itself. If you didn't...sorry. Although if you read regularly you're probably pretty used to being hit with random poetry by now. I don't have much else to say besides:
"Eye Contact"
What an odd concept to consider.
eye contact-
holding another with your eyes
when arms won't suffice.
Contact - touching
And to think, we all have contacts
not just contact lenses (which touch the eye)
but contact eyes (which touch the heart)
...touch the soul.
Maybe that's why we struggle
to hold a gaze (contact, a touch)
We're afraid to be embraced in body
let alone in spirit
by those we're unsure of.
And yet we do - sometimes - make eye contact
What a powerful, awesome deed -
How strange to think
we touch with our eyes
the things we merely see.
God bless<3
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Biology Notes
So today in Biology I learned that insects have a hard outer shell called an exoskeleton; a suit of armor of a set size that they grow to fill completely and then stop growing (I think...but I was actually scribbling this post on my notes during class so I can't be sure). That's why you don't see obese bugs running around - they have a limit. They can only get so big.
I've felt a lot like an insect lately. I've been running around frantically trying to fill myself up. Not just with food, but also faith, love, hope, and the ability to help others. I took the persona I've been creating for four strong years, the emotionally apathetic, academically over-productive, chronically high-strung, stressed out timid self, and tried to transform her into an icon of love, a beacon of faith and hope and morality and strength, a landing site for hurting souls. And I tried to do it almost literally overnight.
Quite obviously, I hit a point at which I realized I wasn't the awesome saint-like influence that I wanted to be, and I became frustrated. I was putting so much energy into myself but I wasn't getting any bigger. I'd filled the shell I'd built for myself years ago, and there was nowhere for any new substance to go.
The thing about insects, though, is that although each stage of their lives involves a certain set size they don't stay in that stage of life forever. Insects (because of pathways and hormones and factors that I actually did write down at this point) molt. They shed the shell they've been inhabiting in favor of a new, slightly larger one that allows for more growth. And slowly, stage by stage, they grow into the adult they're meant to be. Not all at once. In stages. Like so:
My life span is, thankfully, much longer than that of an insect, so maybe that means my growth stages are longer too. And maybe, just maybe, I'm finally reaching the end of one. Maybe I'm getting a chance now to build again, to grow again, to make changes.
Maybe I'm molting.
I've felt a lot like an insect lately. I've been running around frantically trying to fill myself up. Not just with food, but also faith, love, hope, and the ability to help others. I took the persona I've been creating for four strong years, the emotionally apathetic, academically over-productive, chronically high-strung, stressed out timid self, and tried to transform her into an icon of love, a beacon of faith and hope and morality and strength, a landing site for hurting souls. And I tried to do it almost literally overnight.
Quite obviously, I hit a point at which I realized I wasn't the awesome saint-like influence that I wanted to be, and I became frustrated. I was putting so much energy into myself but I wasn't getting any bigger. I'd filled the shell I'd built for myself years ago, and there was nowhere for any new substance to go.
The thing about insects, though, is that although each stage of their lives involves a certain set size they don't stay in that stage of life forever. Insects (because of pathways and hormones and factors that I actually did write down at this point) molt. They shed the shell they've been inhabiting in favor of a new, slightly larger one that allows for more growth. And slowly, stage by stage, they grow into the adult they're meant to be. Not all at once. In stages. Like so:
My life span is, thankfully, much longer than that of an insect, so maybe that means my growth stages are longer too. And maybe, just maybe, I'm finally reaching the end of one. Maybe I'm getting a chance now to build again, to grow again, to make changes.
Maybe I'm molting.
Monday, November 26, 2012
On Lessons Learned
What is it about this time of year that makes everyone all reflective and wanting to change? Is it the cold, the isolation, the grind of school work setting in? There's something that makes the Thanksgiving/Christmas season the season of looking back at where we've been and trying to figure out where we're going, and I'm no more immune to it than the next person...I'm just more prone to write about it.
It's hard to look back on where I was a year ago today and believe that I am the same person now as I was then...and in a lot of ways I would contest that I am not actually the same Angela as I was 365 days ago. That Angela feels in a weird way like she is a day and a decade away at the same time. It's actually difficult to think backwards and chronologically remember everything that has happened between now and last November, but there are some general impressions I have of this year and some big lessons I learned. A lot of what happened over the last year is part of a long story, a story of a lifetime of joy and hurt and confusion. The story isn't all mine to share, so I won't share it, but I can summarize: you never know who is hurting on the inside. Often, it's not the people you would suspect. And often, there's not much you can actually do to fix it. Or at least, there's nothing you can do if you have a set preconception of what exactly "fixed" looks like.
Although the story isn't mine, I think I have exclusive rights to the lessons I learned from it and can share those. The biggest thing for me was this: Trust in God. Sometimes, there are situations in which you personally are powerless. Those situations are the scariest, because all most of us really want in life is to have control over what's happening to us. But that can't always be. Sometimes, you just have to say a little prayer and give the situation over to God to make what He can of it. You might be surprised by how well he can handle it.
Another thing I learned is to accept life's challenges and focus on beating them - don't waste energy trying to deny what's in front of you. Nothing is going to change just by you denying it exists, so don't bother trying to pretend a situation that's right in front of you isn't there. Act on it. Never wait to do what's right. There is no guarantee you'll have a second chance if you pass this one up.
Love intensely and unconditionally. Because why not? Contrary to popular belief it is not possible to love too much. How could you possibly put too much of something as good as love into this world? There is always someone out there looking for some love, and you could always be the one to give it. Earth would be a pretty dull place if no one ever loved anyone. Love your spouse. Love your siblings. Love your parents, your grandparents, your aunts and uncles and estranged random relatives. But also love your cashier at the grocery store. Love your mailman. Love your bus driver, your 8AM professor, and the cleaning lady in your building. Love the person opposite the intersection from you. Love yourself, really love yourself; love yourself as well as you love everyone else. Love them all as much as you can, and then love them more. For it is in giving, that we receive.
Most importantly, never, ever, EVER give up. Even when it seems like you've lost the war. Because you never know which battle will be your last until you've won it and survived past it, and just doing that takes so much. Because God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. Because you'd be surprised how much you have in you when you really try. Because even when you're at your lowest point, God is still above all things just waiting to stand you back up. Because nothing worth having comes easy. And because some of the best people in our lives are sent to help us through our worst times.
It's hard to look back on where I was a year ago today and believe that I am the same person now as I was then...and in a lot of ways I would contest that I am not actually the same Angela as I was 365 days ago. That Angela feels in a weird way like she is a day and a decade away at the same time. It's actually difficult to think backwards and chronologically remember everything that has happened between now and last November, but there are some general impressions I have of this year and some big lessons I learned. A lot of what happened over the last year is part of a long story, a story of a lifetime of joy and hurt and confusion. The story isn't all mine to share, so I won't share it, but I can summarize: you never know who is hurting on the inside. Often, it's not the people you would suspect. And often, there's not much you can actually do to fix it. Or at least, there's nothing you can do if you have a set preconception of what exactly "fixed" looks like.
Although the story isn't mine, I think I have exclusive rights to the lessons I learned from it and can share those. The biggest thing for me was this: Trust in God. Sometimes, there are situations in which you personally are powerless. Those situations are the scariest, because all most of us really want in life is to have control over what's happening to us. But that can't always be. Sometimes, you just have to say a little prayer and give the situation over to God to make what He can of it. You might be surprised by how well he can handle it.
Another thing I learned is to accept life's challenges and focus on beating them - don't waste energy trying to deny what's in front of you. Nothing is going to change just by you denying it exists, so don't bother trying to pretend a situation that's right in front of you isn't there. Act on it. Never wait to do what's right. There is no guarantee you'll have a second chance if you pass this one up.
Love intensely and unconditionally. Because why not? Contrary to popular belief it is not possible to love too much. How could you possibly put too much of something as good as love into this world? There is always someone out there looking for some love, and you could always be the one to give it. Earth would be a pretty dull place if no one ever loved anyone. Love your spouse. Love your siblings. Love your parents, your grandparents, your aunts and uncles and estranged random relatives. But also love your cashier at the grocery store. Love your mailman. Love your bus driver, your 8AM professor, and the cleaning lady in your building. Love the person opposite the intersection from you. Love yourself, really love yourself; love yourself as well as you love everyone else. Love them all as much as you can, and then love them more. For it is in giving, that we receive.
Most importantly, never, ever, EVER give up. Even when it seems like you've lost the war. Because you never know which battle will be your last until you've won it and survived past it, and just doing that takes so much. Because God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. Because you'd be surprised how much you have in you when you really try. Because even when you're at your lowest point, God is still above all things just waiting to stand you back up. Because nothing worth having comes easy. And because some of the best people in our lives are sent to help us through our worst times.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9)
Friday, November 23, 2012
The Thanks
This Thanksgiving, I spent a lot of time considering how I could give thanks. Normally that would have resulted in a lengthy, mushy post about how much I love everyone in my life, but I seem to have taken care of that with my over-tagged Facebook status yesterday. So today I thought I'd mix it up and give you all some advice on expressing gratitude in one of the most confusing situations I've encountered to date: walking through a door at the same time as someone else. These questions have plagued mankind since the dawn of time, or at least since the dawn of buildings.
- How much space is between the doors?
It seems that college campuses were constructed specifically to present this challenging question. In some buildings, doors are so close together that it is physically impossible to go the whole way through one door without opening the next one. With multiple doors coming at you within seconds of each other, it can be difficult to know at what point you should thank the kind soul navigating the pathway before you. I've found it most effective to begin with a full "thank you" after entering the first doorway, and then offer an abridged "thanks" or just a nod and smile at each subsequent door.
If however the doors are far enough apart that several steps are required to get from one door to the next, a full thank you may be in order at each doorway. Try to gauge how annoyed the door-holder is getting with saying "you're welcome" and base your decisions off of this data.
-What if they turn around after each door to look at you?
Turners always seem to be expecting something, and people like me feel as though we're disappointing them by not offering a fully grateful "thank you" after every door hold. If you're following a turner, give full appreciation for each door regardless of which category above the series fits into.
-Was it a full door hold or a half-out-the-door, stick a single finger back to slow the slamming of the door afterthought?
A full door hold deserves gratitude under any circumstances, especially if the holder stopped walking completely to hold the door while you caught up. Extra appreciation is necessary if it is cold, raining, or the door leads to somewhere you have to wait in line and the person has sacrificed their place in it to let you in.
An afterthought hold depends on the circumstance. If the person was bopping along listening to an iPod and intentionally tuning out your cries as you raced for the door with your arms full of kittens and 2x4s and other various debris, he or she deserves a stern look. If however the person was just walking along when they glanced back at the last second and noticed the door closing in your face, a terse nod at least is appropriate.
- Did they actually open every door in the series, or simply hold the first one and then leave you trapped awkwardly between the two doors?
I'm not sure why people do this. These people won't even notice if you thanked them or not, because they're already several steps away on the other side of a wall. You may mumble anything you like in this situation.
Bonus!!!
Just for you guys, because I love you, I'm adding a bonus section of other gratitude questions.
If someone is cleaning a window or other area on or near the door and stops to allow me to pass, do I thank them or apologize?
I always apologize in this situation, because I just feel bad. But thanks also seem appropriate. All I can really recommend is that you avoid this situation at all costs, possibly by untying and retying your shoe multiple times or making an unnecessary stop in the bathroom.
What do I do if I'm a male and the female holds the door open for me?
Put aside your sexist preconceptions and thank her. (Although I gotta say, it really gets me when guys insist on holding the door.)
Do I thank the professor for handing me a stack of homework?
Of course. Brownie points never hurt anyone but those who don't have them.
What do I do if I'm so accustomed to thanking everyone for everything that I accidentally thank the person I held the door for?
This is a problem created by our excessively etiquette-centered society that I don't have an answer to. However I must say that at this point, I don't think anyone would really notice if you thanked them at an inappropriate moment. They'll probably assume they did something for which thanks were in order and just accept it.
At what point in a series of doors do you thank the person in front of you?
This is a tricky situation that does not have a simple answer. Many other factors must be taken into consideration when determining how exactly to give thanks in this situation:- How much space is between the doors?
It seems that college campuses were constructed specifically to present this challenging question. In some buildings, doors are so close together that it is physically impossible to go the whole way through one door without opening the next one. With multiple doors coming at you within seconds of each other, it can be difficult to know at what point you should thank the kind soul navigating the pathway before you. I've found it most effective to begin with a full "thank you" after entering the first doorway, and then offer an abridged "thanks" or just a nod and smile at each subsequent door.
If however the doors are far enough apart that several steps are required to get from one door to the next, a full thank you may be in order at each doorway. Try to gauge how annoyed the door-holder is getting with saying "you're welcome" and base your decisions off of this data.
-What if they turn around after each door to look at you?
Turners always seem to be expecting something, and people like me feel as though we're disappointing them by not offering a fully grateful "thank you" after every door hold. If you're following a turner, give full appreciation for each door regardless of which category above the series fits into.
-Was it a full door hold or a half-out-the-door, stick a single finger back to slow the slamming of the door afterthought?
A full door hold deserves gratitude under any circumstances, especially if the holder stopped walking completely to hold the door while you caught up. Extra appreciation is necessary if it is cold, raining, or the door leads to somewhere you have to wait in line and the person has sacrificed their place in it to let you in.
An afterthought hold depends on the circumstance. If the person was bopping along listening to an iPod and intentionally tuning out your cries as you raced for the door with your arms full of kittens and 2x4s and other various debris, he or she deserves a stern look. If however the person was just walking along when they glanced back at the last second and noticed the door closing in your face, a terse nod at least is appropriate.
- Did they actually open every door in the series, or simply hold the first one and then leave you trapped awkwardly between the two doors?
I'm not sure why people do this. These people won't even notice if you thanked them or not, because they're already several steps away on the other side of a wall. You may mumble anything you like in this situation.
Bonus!!!
Just for you guys, because I love you, I'm adding a bonus section of other gratitude questions.
If someone is cleaning a window or other area on or near the door and stops to allow me to pass, do I thank them or apologize?
I always apologize in this situation, because I just feel bad. But thanks also seem appropriate. All I can really recommend is that you avoid this situation at all costs, possibly by untying and retying your shoe multiple times or making an unnecessary stop in the bathroom.
What do I do if I'm a male and the female holds the door open for me?
Put aside your sexist preconceptions and thank her. (Although I gotta say, it really gets me when guys insist on holding the door.)
Do I thank the professor for handing me a stack of homework?
Of course. Brownie points never hurt anyone but those who don't have them.
What do I do if I'm so accustomed to thanking everyone for everything that I accidentally thank the person I held the door for?
This is a problem created by our excessively etiquette-centered society that I don't have an answer to. However I must say that at this point, I don't think anyone would really notice if you thanked them at an inappropriate moment. They'll probably assume they did something for which thanks were in order and just accept it.
There you go.
Now you probably know the answer to every thanking question you ever had. I'd bet on it. Gratitude is not just for Thanksgiving day. (Thanks for reading this!) Go forth and give thanks.Thursday, November 15, 2012
Spontaneous Love Rant
This started as a Tumblr post in response to someone, but it turned out really awesome in my humble opinion so I decided to post it on my real blog. Enjoy guys.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how stuff people say can stick with you and change your life. I’ve been upset and grieving over the people I’ve lost, who’ve turned on me or dropped out of my life for no apparent reason after finding out my greatest insecurities and using them against me. I’ve hated myself for loving too deeply, too often, before I’ve even figured out if the person on the receiving end deserves it at all. I was ready to give up on love itself because I was tired of being hurt.
I met this really great guy at school, and we were talking the other day, and this is what he told me: “People may come and go, but love remains. Even if the faces are different, you will always be loved to the measure you love.”
People may come and go, but love remains. Love is just how God works through other people. Sometimes the particular carrier of love doesn’t work out, and God finds a new one, but the love is still out there somewhere floating about. There is always someone out there, someone like me, someone like you probably are if you’re still reading and relating to this, who is just waiting to love you. Someone who is bursting with excitement to know you and share in you and make you feel loved, and willing to let you love them in return.
This doesn’t justify what people do to others. It doesn’t make it okay for people to use other people or be randomly mean or tear down the things about ourselves we’ve worked so hard and been so proud to build up. But this is the other smart thing he said. “You get hurt because you love…but that’s no reason to stop.” I suppose it’s something anyone could have said, but it struck me at that moment how incredibly right he was. Getting hurt isn’t a reason to stop loving. It might be a reason to protect yourself from a certain negative influence, but there is never a reason to stop loving. God is love, love is God, and I don’t know about you but I never want to give up on either. I want to keep loving somehow, somewhere, anyone. I can’t just turn it off. Love is bursting out of me and I need to pass it on.
So I’ll search for the next face. I’ll find the next person who is going to receive my love, who is willing to let me in, even a tiny crack, to share all these beautiful feelings I have right now. Pain is always going to be there. Hurt is always going to be there. So if you’re going to end up hurt anyway, what better mechanism than one that can turn around and mend the wounds right away? Whether you have love to give, or feel like you could stand to be on the receiving end, I urge you to let yourself be open and participate in this most wonderful part of life.
Keep loving.<3
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how stuff people say can stick with you and change your life. I’ve been upset and grieving over the people I’ve lost, who’ve turned on me or dropped out of my life for no apparent reason after finding out my greatest insecurities and using them against me. I’ve hated myself for loving too deeply, too often, before I’ve even figured out if the person on the receiving end deserves it at all. I was ready to give up on love itself because I was tired of being hurt.
I met this really great guy at school, and we were talking the other day, and this is what he told me: “People may come and go, but love remains. Even if the faces are different, you will always be loved to the measure you love.”
People may come and go, but love remains. Love is just how God works through other people. Sometimes the particular carrier of love doesn’t work out, and God finds a new one, but the love is still out there somewhere floating about. There is always someone out there, someone like me, someone like you probably are if you’re still reading and relating to this, who is just waiting to love you. Someone who is bursting with excitement to know you and share in you and make you feel loved, and willing to let you love them in return.
This doesn’t justify what people do to others. It doesn’t make it okay for people to use other people or be randomly mean or tear down the things about ourselves we’ve worked so hard and been so proud to build up. But this is the other smart thing he said. “You get hurt because you love…but that’s no reason to stop.” I suppose it’s something anyone could have said, but it struck me at that moment how incredibly right he was. Getting hurt isn’t a reason to stop loving. It might be a reason to protect yourself from a certain negative influence, but there is never a reason to stop loving. God is love, love is God, and I don’t know about you but I never want to give up on either. I want to keep loving somehow, somewhere, anyone. I can’t just turn it off. Love is bursting out of me and I need to pass it on.
So I’ll search for the next face. I’ll find the next person who is going to receive my love, who is willing to let me in, even a tiny crack, to share all these beautiful feelings I have right now. Pain is always going to be there. Hurt is always going to be there. So if you’re going to end up hurt anyway, what better mechanism than one that can turn around and mend the wounds right away? Whether you have love to give, or feel like you could stand to be on the receiving end, I urge you to let yourself be open and participate in this most wonderful part of life.
Keep loving.<3
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