The Thanks

     This Thanksgiving, I spent a lot of time considering how I could give thanks. Normally that would have resulted in a lengthy, mushy post about how much I love everyone in my life, but I seem to have taken care of that with my over-tagged Facebook status yesterday. So today I thought I'd mix it up and give you all some advice on expressing gratitude in one of the most confusing situations I've encountered to date: walking through a door at the same time as someone else. These questions have plagued mankind since the dawn of time, or at least since the dawn of buildings.

At what point in a series of doors do you thank the person in front of you? 

     This is a tricky situation that does not have a simple answer. Many other factors must be taken into consideration when determining how exactly to give thanks in this situation:
     - How much space is between the doors?
     It seems that college campuses were constructed specifically to present this challenging question. In some buildings, doors are so close together that it is physically impossible to go the whole way through one door without opening the next one. With multiple doors coming at you within seconds of each other, it can be difficult to know at what point you should thank the kind soul navigating the pathway before you. I've found it most effective to begin with a full "thank you" after entering the first doorway, and then offer an abridged "thanks" or just a nod and smile at each subsequent door.
     If however the doors are far enough apart that several steps are required to get from one door to the next, a full thank you may be in order at each doorway. Try to gauge how annoyed the door-holder is getting with saying "you're welcome" and base your decisions off of this data.
     -What if they turn around after each door to look at you?
     Turners always seem to be expecting something, and people like me feel as though we're disappointing them by not offering a fully grateful "thank you" after every door hold. If you're following a turner, give full appreciation for each door regardless of which category above the series fits into.
     -Was it a full door hold or a half-out-the-door, stick a single finger back to slow the slamming of the door afterthought?
     A full door hold deserves gratitude under any circumstances, especially if the holder stopped walking completely to hold the door while you caught up. Extra appreciation is necessary if it is cold, raining, or the door leads to somewhere you have to wait in line and the person has sacrificed their place in it to let you in.
     An afterthought hold depends on the circumstance. If the person was bopping along listening to an iPod and intentionally tuning out your cries as you raced for the door with your arms full of kittens and 2x4s and other various debris, he or she deserves a stern look. If however the person was just walking along when they glanced back at the last second and noticed the door closing in your face, a terse nod at least is appropriate.
      - Did they actually open every door in the series, or simply hold the first one and then leave you trapped awkwardly between the two doors?
      I'm not sure why people do this. These people won't even notice if you thanked them or not, because they're already several steps away on the other side of a wall. You may mumble anything you like in this situation.
     Bonus!!!
      Just for you guys, because I love you, I'm adding a bonus section of other gratitude questions.
If someone is cleaning a window or other area on or near the door and stops to allow me to pass, do I thank them or apologize? 
     I always apologize in this situation, because I just feel bad. But thanks also seem appropriate. All I can really recommend is that you avoid this situation at all costs, possibly by untying and retying your shoe multiple times or making an unnecessary stop in the bathroom.
What do I do if I'm a male and the female holds the door open for me? 
    Put aside your sexist preconceptions and thank her. (Although I gotta say, it really gets me when guys insist on holding the door.)
Do I thank the professor for handing me a stack of homework?
     Of course. Brownie points never hurt anyone but those who don't have them.
What do I do if I'm so accustomed to thanking everyone for everything that I accidentally thank the person I held the door for? 
     This is a problem created by our excessively etiquette-centered society that I don't have an answer to. However I must say that at this point, I don't think anyone would really notice if you thanked them at an inappropriate moment. They'll probably assume they did something for which thanks were in order and just accept it.

There you go.

     Now you probably know the answer to every thanking question you ever had. I'd bet on it. Gratitude is not just for Thanksgiving day. (Thanks for reading this!) Go forth and give thanks.