A night divine, indeed.

"O holy night, the stars are brightly shining

It is the night of the dear Savior's birth.

Long lay the world, in sin and error pining

Til He appeared and the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn

Fall on your knees! Oh hear the angel voices!

O night divine

O night when Christ was born

O night, o holy night, o night divine."

'Tis the season - the wreaths are up, the snow has (kind of) fallen, Santa's holding screaming children at the mall, and radio stations everywhere are blaring Christmas songs back to back to back. While this constant assault of Christmas music is the dread of music, it's one of my favorite parts of the holiday season. There are so many Christmas songs to love, and I frequently find myself declaring a new favorite every time the radio DJ switches tunes. 

This one though. It keeps popping up in my life and every time I find myself almost crying as I try to explain to people how much I love it. But here, you guys can't see if I'm crying or not. So I figured I'd try to pass on some of my excitement and Christmas joy and such. Since it's Christmas Eve and I feel like I haven't posted in forever.

So, to start at the beginning: O holy night - It's a HOLY night. All that reason for the season stuff that everyone preaches but no one really listens to. It's not just Christmas. Tonight is a holy night. The stars are brightly shining - I don't know where y'all are from, but down here in the Tiptonian boondocks around Christmastime, the stars are unbelievable. The cold makes the air clearer and on a cloudless night the view can be absolutely breathtaking. Now tonight, go look at those stars and think, those are the same stars that were shining the night Jesus was born. The very same ones the shepherds would've been watching as the traveled and everything. It's awesome. It is the night of the dear Savior's birth - again, with the night thing. Tonight. But I'm more intrigued by the phrase "the dear Savior"...someone so powerful and mighty, come to redeem humanity. But we don't speak of him in terms of awe and fear (not to say there's no respect) but rather in terms of endearment. Because when it came down to it, He was just a helpless, poor little baby. 

Long lay the world in sin and error pining - The world didn't just begin existing at Jesus' birth, although I often catch myself thinking that since that's when we start numbering years. The world was there, and it was full of sin and error (bad stuff). Pining, wasting away in all the awfulness...Til He appeared - and then this baby Jesus comes along and changes everything. And the soul felt its worth - our souls, the very essence of our being, didn't know their worth before He came. We were nothing (and are nothing) without Him.

All it took was A thrill of hope - A thrill. Not a spark or a hint or pinch of hope, but a thrill. Like looking into the eyes of a loved one or dropping down the first hill of a roller coaster or sky diving. Only a million times better. Because it's the thrill of the core of your very existence recognizing its purpose. Because it's Jesus. The weary world rejoices - and what a weary world we live in today. All the tragedy and sorrow and hurting, not just recently but always. There are people who don't feel joy at the Christmas season. There are people who don't feel joy ever. And two thousand years ago, there were all those weary people pining in sin and error. But at the birth of Christ the weary world REJOICED. For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn - Better things are coming. Tomorrow is a new day. The night of Jesus' birth was followed by a morning, a new day, a new age for mankind. And we're living in that glorious morn right now.

Fall on your knees! - Honestly if you haven't done that by now I don't know what else to say to you. It's such a powerful statement to put in the middle of a song like that. Rejoice, be glad, but be reverent - this is the savior of the world! I'm just so overcome by the image, the absolute surrender, of falling on your knees and just worshiping. Oh hear the angel voices - I don't even know which way to go with this. Right now, I'm feeling the fact that angels, who are supposed to be like mighty warriors, are going around spreading news of joy and singing praise to God. That's got to be the most perfect praise ever sung.

O night divine - Let me just remind everyone that the definition of divine is "Of, from, or like God". This night is divine...not like a bad retro movie star (think simply diviiiiine) but like the actual night of God himself. This is HIS time. It's the most serious night of the year and yet the most joyous. It's a wonderful paradox.

I don't know if you understand now. I don't even know if anyone will get the whole way through this. But that's my Christmas rant for the year. Have a blessed and wonderful Christmas and in the event that I'm too lazy to blog this week, a fantastic New Year. 

God bless<3

If Today Was My Last Day

     I'm really hoping today isn't my last day on Earth. I guess realistically, I hope that every day. But it is my hope today especially since tomorrow is supposed to be the end of the world.
     I've always hated being forced to consider what I would do if I knew I only had one day left. It's just depressing, and I'm no good at coming up with awesome ways to spend my final 24 hours. But in light of the possible apocalypse looming on the horizon, I'm going to try to work my way through this.
     If today was my last day, I think I'd be pretty satisfied with how I spent it. Sure, I didn't go out and do all the things I've always wanted to do and maybe I'll have to die without ever getting to sky dive or swim with dolphins. But really, what does that matter? I'm sure that from the unending bliss of Heaven I'm not going to look down and think, "Ya know, this is great, but I really wish I had been in the ocean in December with some squeaky creatures before I got here." It just doesn't seem likely.
     I think I'd look back and see that the way I actually spent my last day (and all the days leading up to it) was a pretty fitting summary of all the things that make me happy.
     I'm glad I graduated high school. I can't say I ever thought it would happen (it always seemed so unrealistically far away) but it did, and I survived it, and I'm proud of that. I'm grateful for all the people from Bellwood who changed me and made me who I am today.
     I'm glad I spent the last 3 months at a school I never would've dreamed of attending, making friendships and memories and good grades to boot. I'm glad I decided to come out of my shell and meet some new people before it was too late. I'm glad I chose to open myself up to more than the 2 people I've always talked to, and I'm really glad I got the chance to share my story with some people who might've needed to hear it.
     I'm glad I finally figured out in some ways who I am and what I want in life. I'm thankful for the people who helped me to do that. I can't say enough how much it means to me that there are people out there who truly care about others and want to make as many people truly happy as they can. I'm glad I got to see that.
     I'm glad I spent the last week in an Advent/Christmas fervor filled with cookie-baking and house-decorating and present-making. I've been more into preparations this year than ever before mostly because of all my time off, and it feels good to be doing work to get ready for Christmas. I feel like I've had more opportunities to make other people happy this Christmas season than in years past, and if that's true then I am glad.
     And finally, I'm pleased with how I spent my last day. A few errands to run, relaxing and crocheting and enjoying just being in my home. Talking to a friend. Learning someone else's story. Just quietly thinking about my own.
     I read something somewhere that said the Mayan calendars are only predicting the end of an era, the end of the world as we know it, but not necessarily the end of the world itself. That feels about right. It's been a heck of a journey over the last year, and even over the last (almost) 19 years, but this is the end of an era for me. If this is the last day of that journey, so be it. I can honestly say I am ready for the next one, whether it's to come in this world or the next.
     God bless<3

This blog and this song have both blessed my life.

You should definitely go check it out:
A Very Special Case.: It's been a helluva 2 years.: Here I am. 2 years later. Two years after the hell that was Case's  pre-birth. It's been two hard years. Two years full of blessings and te...

Everything Changes

     “I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”
― Marilyn Monroe

      I have always firmly believed that change is bad. I made my mom drive all over town to find the same exact pair of sneakers I had grown out of when it was time for new shoes. I cried when we got new kitchen chairs. I left a note in our old couch so the new owners would know just how faithful and loving of a friend it could be, and out of respect for it I refused to sit on the new one for at least a few months after its arrival.
     This time of year is the worst time of year for change-haters like myself, especially college-aged ones. The weather is changing to desolate dreary cold, the year is about to change (assuming the world does not end in 10 days), my schedule has changed from classes every day to a huge test every day, and after this week all my classes will change. More broadly, the last few months have been a huge time of change - new home, new responsibilities, new friends, new opportunities, new church, new roommate. It's been crazy, to put it simply.
     Needless to say, I did not embrace all these changes with open arms, leaping from the comfort and safety of the home and routine I'd known for 18 years into a whole new world without reservation. I held myself back for a long time and tried to resist allowing myself to become anything different than I had always been. I clung to the past, my old mannerisms and beliefs and thought processes. I survived.
     But then I started to realize that although I was getting by okay, I was missing something. I wasn't positive what it was, but the appeal of studying alone in my room 8 hours a day was really starting to fade even though that's what I'd always done...was it possible the way I had always done things wasn't the best way to do them?
     I never consciously decided to change - it just kind of snuck up on me when I wasn't expecting it. One by one the familiar things in my life were snatched away, some forcibly and others I let go, and new things began to seep in. And slowly, I started to realize that maybe this wasn't so bad.
     Maybe sometimes the people in our life leave so someone else has room to teach us something different. Maybe there are things we're all supposed to learn in this life that we can't learn if we're too hung up on the comfortable and the familiar. Maybe the only way we can learn them is if the people we know step back and let us. Because maybe they have to learn something new as well.
     I can't say for sure who exactly was responsible for changing me into the person I am now. I can think of a few people, new and old, who definitely helped me figure out who I was and who I wanted to be, and I'm eternally grateful for their love and support even if they never realize how much they did for me.
     So if you're one of the new people in my life, welcome. Most of you have mentioned there are times when I seem truly happy, and you like those times. I'm trying to make that happen more often. The best I can promise you is a crazy awesome journey. If you're one of the people from my past, please don't think I'm saying goodbye. I'm not. I love you all so much and the fact that I'm casting off a lifestyle and thought pattern does not mean I'm casting off you. I'm not even sure that as a person I've really changed all that much. I'm still the same me as I was before. Just with a slightly different outlook on life. Some good things fell apart. Some better things are starting to fall together. Strange how such a small change can make such a big difference.

(Stylistically, it pains me to end two posts in a row with a YouTube video. But I can't resist this song.)

Angels Among Us

     When I was younger, I was the world's biggest believer in angels. I had a ceramic cross on my wall with a little angel figure kneeling at the center praying, and one of my earliest memories is my mother telling me "This is your guardian angel. If you say a prayer to her every night she'll always keep you safe." (That may or may not be an accurate memory, but I remember it that way.)
     I thought that was the coolest idea ever. I loved it. I constantly would strike up a (one-sided) conversation, literally whispering to the cross, reaching my guardian angel the best way I knew how. Any time I was in a scary situation I would picture an angel right there at my shoulder, and it was impossible to be scared. What could possibly get me that an angel from God himself couldn't stop?
     Then one day, through an unfortunate accident, I broke my cross.  I slept on the top bunk and one day when making my bed I tired of climbing up and down to retrieve each stuffed animal, so I stood on the floor and started throwing them haphazardly up to my mattress. Which was all well and good until I overshot a stuffed cat and hit the wall, sending my cross crashing to the ground where it broke into two pieces. Afraid to glue it and make it look stupid, I gave it to my mom to add to the stack of things that would get fixed "eventually."
     Everyone knows how the saying goes, out of sight, out of mind. For some reason, without that concrete reminder there to see every day, I forgot to believe in angels. (Ironic, for someone whose name literally means angel, "messenger from God"). I stopped saying the prayer and I lost that feeling of protection in scary moments. I was scared all the time. I was convinced my house was haunted, I was afraid to be in any room alone, I would panic at night at the slightest sound.
     And then the fear expanded. Not only was I afraid of being in concrete places alone, I was afraid of being without a friend, without someone who understood. And I felt like I always was. Like there was no one looking out for me, like I was always alone. All the confidence of my earlier years was gone, and I was afraid.
     That went on for so long that 2 weeks ago, I couldn't have even told you the last time I wasn't afraid of being alone. Then, out of nowhere, an amazing friend came into my life and changed the way I think about things. One of the biggest things he did was remind me that there are angels among us. Not pathetic, Cupid-esque babies with wings but mighty warriors sent by God to protect me from harm. We're constantly being watched over and protected. "For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways." - Psalm 91:11.
     How awesome is that?

       

If You're Happy and You Know It

     For as long as I can remember, I have always hated being happy. My favorite times of the year, Christmas and Thanksgiving, were also my happiest times of the year; and yet these beautiful days were tainted endlessly by the knowledge that eventually the day would be over, the food eaten, the cousins gone, and life back to its daily grind.
     For a few years I tried to resist the happiness. I would tell myself not to bother to get excited over these single days, because all too soon they would be gone. I approached Christmas with about as much excitement as I approached writing an essay - there might be a mildly enjoyable moment or two, but eventually the work would be done and it would be time to forget it all. Don't freak out. There's no point.
     If you know me (and especially if you've just recently gotten to know me) then it is needless to say that this was IMPOSSIBLE to keep up for long. I get far too excited about most things, and holidays are even more exciting than most things. So for the last few years, I've allowed myself to feel the incredible happiness and excitement. Not just on holidays, but on sunny days, snowy days, warm days, days I get to spend time with friends, days I'm super productive, days I spend relaxing, and so many other days.
    The problem with this happiness is that even though I'm allowing myself to feel it, it is still accompanied by the sadness of knowing the time is limited. I've been allowing the sadness to overcome the happiness. I've avoided situations that may cause happiness so that I don't have to face the sadness. I thought it was for the best.
     I was wrong. Avoiding happy situations didn't take the sadness away. It just made it a different kind of sadness. And that kind of sadness is even less bearable than the kind that comes from happiness, because at least the latter occurs when there are people around to pick me back up.
     Today I finally figured out something that I should have known from the start: Just because happy times have to end eventually isn't any reason to spend the whole time dreading what will come later. Because what will come, will come. And the only part I can control is what comes in between.

The Trouble With Men

UPDATE: If you don't know me, this post may not come off correctly. I am not a feminist and I do not think men are awful. Sarcasm, people.
     I am a raging feminist, and I hate men because they are all pigs. All they ever do is objectify us and reduce us from people to a means of getting sex, and as a result women spend all their time applying makeup and choosing outfits and dieting and exercising and hating ourselves. Women are so oppressed these days. There's nowhere we can look for a positive role model to show we don't have to be the skinniest, prettiest, most perfect girl ever to be loved. It's deplorable, really. Because men have it so easy.
     I mean, I'm sure none of them ever doubt themselves, because women would certainly never do the same thing to men that men do to women, making them feel like they have to fit a certain image to be lovable. After all, I know for a fact that all the females in this country want to marry Channing Tatum because they've personally gotten to know him and have determined that his personality is compatible with theirs. It's preposterous to suggest that a woman, who knows the feeling of objectification, would think for a second that being physically attractive is the only quality that matters in a man.
     And can we talk about advertising for a second? Because it seems to me like every company is using clothing on women to sell their product, with absolutely no regard for the way these women are being turned into objects. Meanwhile, the men get away scot-free. I'm sure I speak for all women when I state my disdain at the interruption of the Super Bowl by the appearance of a soccer player. Not only was this man not of the right sport, I wasted valuable time watching his commercial several times before I actually figured out what they were selling. And then when I did figure it out, I was angered again - I am not the target audience for men's underwear, and there was no other reason to spend so much time watching it besides having an interest in the product. Because women don't view men as objects purely for visual gratification.
     There are no real women anywhere in the media, and no one ever bothers to promote people who don't look like supermodels. No one ever tells real women they are beautiful. Meanwhile, real men are everywhere in the media. Every guy walking down the street should just automatically know that he is perfect, without anyone ever having to tell him. It's not a man's job to need reassurance. It's a man's job to tell a woman she's beautiful. But not in such a way as to make her feel that beauty is the only thing that matters, because men also need to reinforce that what's truly beautiful is what's on the inside. Without accidentally implying that the outside is not beautiful also.
     So basically, there is a war on women going on in the advertising world and the world at large. Women are under constant pressure to be perfect in every way. Everywhere you turn there's another commercial, another ad, another spread in a magazine showing us how we should look and act at all times. The trouble with men is, they just can't understand what it's like.
     
    

Words I Need to Say

UPDATE: Okay, I admit, I've had this written for a while, but I got the idea to publish it from here. My sincerest apologies for copying!
I generally try not to publish stuff like this, because I feel like it's not relatable and ramblings about why I love the people I love aren't something the general population wants to read. However, there are a lot of things I want to say to some people, and I want everyone to know how awesome you all are, so this is the best venue I can think of. For the most part I avoided calling people out by name in case you're embarrassed by this. So, I guess, sorry in advance for the longness and mushiness and general suckishness of this post. But I wrote it all out so I'm posting it now, for better or for worse.

To the survivors of the Taylor experiment: What can I even say, beyond thank God we made it out alive? All kidding aside, it was a wild ride. Twelve years long for some of us, and I cherish every second. Adam - To this day I can't look at a marigold without calling it Zaffaffania. And I'll bet you don't even know why at this point. I know we had our bad days, but thank you for (almost) always making me laugh. David - Boy do I miss getting to talk to you in Mrs. P's room once a week last year. I don't know if you knew it or not but you kept me sane most of the year. Super Siah - Gotta admit, I thought you hated me for a long time. But after I got over that I found out you're actually extremely awesome and I'm really glad I got a chance to get to know you. Michael - After all these years, I think I am finally comfortable admitting that in third grade, your baseball sand shelter was way more effective than mine and prettier too. You win. Morgan - I don't know why we didn't become friends earlier! I missed out dude. We definitely should've united before high school. Regardless, I'm glad I had one female ally in that group. We may have been outnumbered but we were still the most influential part of that group most of the time. I miss your seeing your beautiful face all the time and having lima beans shoved in my ears and being able to talk to you every day. Luckily we're the same person so I know we'll end up together again eventually and I know you'll always be there to talk if I need you. (And to Mariah and Liza, who sadly did not survive the Taylor experiment - I still feel blessed to have met and gotten to know you, if only for a little while. I hope you're both doing well, wherever you are. Probably a model and a concert pianist at this point.)

1: There are very few people to whom I can say, "I remember how we met," but I remember every detail of meeting you. It was kind of a weird way to meet a best friend (both in ways I knew then and ways I found out later) but I'm unendingly thankful that it happened. You have had my back through so many situations in which you had no obligation to do anything and you've saved me from a million things, from boredom to unnecessary anxiety to my very self. I think the thing I'll always remember is the day before graduation, just walking around Bellwood running errands and sitting on the playground reminiscing. I don't know if you knew how much I needed that time with a friend at the moment, but it meant the world to me. I feel like I've known you way longer than 2 years. Thank you so much for being an amazing friend even when I don't deserve it.

2: You stress out too much, kid. I know you feel a lot of pressure but the honest truth is you are under no obligation to be me. Yeah, I've been an overachiever my whole life. It's not all it's cracked up to be. Honestly the biggest thing I've learned from college so far is that there's way more to life than getting a great SAT score. Lots of people can do that. Very, very few people know who they are and what they want in life. I think you have a better grasp on who you are than most people I've encountered in my life. Relax. No matter what happens, you're going big places.

3: Some people assume you're the same as me. Some people think you're the polar opposite. Both sets of people make a huge mistake. You are a unique person who happens to have the unfortunate position of being the youngest sibling. But you're going to set the world on fire someday. You're smart, artistic, and personable, a triple threat, and unlike everyone else in our family you aren't going to have stress ulcers by the time you're 21. Don't sell yourself short. Sometimes I think you understand life better than any of us.

4: It's true to say you're my newest friend but it really doesn't feel like I've only known you a couple weeks. I gotta admit, my first impression of you was that we were polar opposites and I would never be able to talk to you. You were intentionally throwing yourself into the spotlight while I was trying desperately to hide in the shadows, and people ate it up. They loved you. I wish I could remember what I wrote for your mailbox, because I don't think I wrote what I was really thinking (that I was totally jealous of how comfortable you were in crowds). I didn't think I would ever be getting to know you. Turns out I couldn't have been more wrong because now you're one of my best friends. And you're bringing me out of my shell a little bit, which people say is a good thing. Thank you for always being there even when I'm being excessively needy and making me do things I don't want to do so I can learn that they are good. Thank you for making me feel included and comfortable. Thank you for always doing the stuff I tell you not to do. Your capacity to love is astonishing and will get you through anything life throws at you. Please never lose it.

5: I know for a fact you don't usually read this, so I don't expect you to ever see this. That's fine, I'm still gonna say it. I have literally known you for as long as I can remember. There have been better times and worse but I have to say that I think I knew how special you were all along. We've literally been through hell together and I'm incredibly glad we're here on the other side, still together and in one piece. If I could push a button to make you believe in yourself and be happy, I would push it in a heartbeat. But until such a button exists, you're just going to have to figure those things out for yourself. I believe you can do it. Know that you are wonderful and loved, and no matter how many times it gets bad I'll be here to pull you through, because the good times are worth it.

6: I did a stupid thing by saying we were probably never going to be friends again like we used to be. At the time I was frustrated and tired of missing something I didn't think I was ever going to get back. I regret that now, although I doubt it still matters to you. If you ever need anything, know that I'll always have your back. Love you Scottie<3

Love Grows

    "Until you love yourself, you can't love anyone else." People have been telling me this, and variations on it, for as long as I can remember. And yet somehow, I've been tuning them out for over a decade (because obviously, I always know best) and thinking I can get along just fine without giving myself a thought. What do I need to love myself for? I love everyone else. I'd give anything for my friends. If I took the time to love myself I wouldn't have the time to give them, wouldn't be able to relate to their feelings as well. I would just spend all my time talking about how awesome I am.
    But recently I'm realizing more and more that those adults in my life who gave me advice actually knew what they were talking about (shocker, right?) and I should really listen to them. Because if I tell you that you are beautiful, then turn around in the same breath and put myself down, what am I really saying to you? That it's okay for me to have these thoughts but not for you? That nothing I say is actually worth believing, because I don't even believe it myself?
     Even deeper than not being trustworthy, how can I expect to understand you and your feelings if I don't even understand me and my own feelings? It isn't possible. And until I understand you, until I truly appreciate what you're feeling and going through, I can't really love you.
     So if my ultimate goal is to love, and I can't do that until I learn to love, how do I go about achieving success? Ironically, it seems that it isn't actually possible to do one without the other. I can't love others until I love myself. But through loving others and allowing them to love me, I'm learning to love myself more effectively than I think I ever could in isolation.
     Maybe that's the secret to all of it. Love can't exist in isolation. But through reaching out to others and showing them our love, we learn a little about our own strengths and weaknesses, our own values and beliefs. We see that there are people out there who want and need our love, and that validates us. We realize that their are people who want to love us. They have reasons to love us, usually good ones, and those also give us reasons to love ourselves. And little by little we start to understand. We start to love.

Double Plus Goodfeel

     Happy New Year! Yep, it's that time of year again. The liturgical new year, that is, and my very favorite liturgical season - Advent! A time of waiting and preparation for the coming of the Lord. A time to make all things new and share God's love and rejoice in his birth.
     Every year around this time I become absolutely overwhelmed with what I can only call pre-Christmas spirit. I transform from my traditionally quiet self into a bubbly, bursting with joy philanthropic mess. And with no outlet for my surplus of happiness, I end up conducting Mannheim Steamroller Christmas concerts on YouTube with excessive vigor and laughing in situations where laughter is not appropriate, just to dispel some of the good feelings before they make me explode.
     This year, I thought maybe I'd try for something more productive during Advent. This is where all the lovely people who read this blog come in. You're all wonderfully creative and good beautiful people, so give me a hand. If you've got a fantastic idea for community service or random acts of kindness or any other way to share love and joy this season, clue me in. I'm glad for all the help I can get. No idea too small.
     So hit me with your best shot! I'm pumped to figure out some stuff to do with all this excitement (besides being embarrassingly giddy all the time, which will probably still happen anyway). A very happy new year to all of you, and God bless.