Everything Changes

     “I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”
― Marilyn Monroe

      I have always firmly believed that change is bad. I made my mom drive all over town to find the same exact pair of sneakers I had grown out of when it was time for new shoes. I cried when we got new kitchen chairs. I left a note in our old couch so the new owners would know just how faithful and loving of a friend it could be, and out of respect for it I refused to sit on the new one for at least a few months after its arrival.
     This time of year is the worst time of year for change-haters like myself, especially college-aged ones. The weather is changing to desolate dreary cold, the year is about to change (assuming the world does not end in 10 days), my schedule has changed from classes every day to a huge test every day, and after this week all my classes will change. More broadly, the last few months have been a huge time of change - new home, new responsibilities, new friends, new opportunities, new church, new roommate. It's been crazy, to put it simply.
     Needless to say, I did not embrace all these changes with open arms, leaping from the comfort and safety of the home and routine I'd known for 18 years into a whole new world without reservation. I held myself back for a long time and tried to resist allowing myself to become anything different than I had always been. I clung to the past, my old mannerisms and beliefs and thought processes. I survived.
     But then I started to realize that although I was getting by okay, I was missing something. I wasn't positive what it was, but the appeal of studying alone in my room 8 hours a day was really starting to fade even though that's what I'd always done...was it possible the way I had always done things wasn't the best way to do them?
     I never consciously decided to change - it just kind of snuck up on me when I wasn't expecting it. One by one the familiar things in my life were snatched away, some forcibly and others I let go, and new things began to seep in. And slowly, I started to realize that maybe this wasn't so bad.
     Maybe sometimes the people in our life leave so someone else has room to teach us something different. Maybe there are things we're all supposed to learn in this life that we can't learn if we're too hung up on the comfortable and the familiar. Maybe the only way we can learn them is if the people we know step back and let us. Because maybe they have to learn something new as well.
     I can't say for sure who exactly was responsible for changing me into the person I am now. I can think of a few people, new and old, who definitely helped me figure out who I was and who I wanted to be, and I'm eternally grateful for their love and support even if they never realize how much they did for me.
     So if you're one of the new people in my life, welcome. Most of you have mentioned there are times when I seem truly happy, and you like those times. I'm trying to make that happen more often. The best I can promise you is a crazy awesome journey. If you're one of the people from my past, please don't think I'm saying goodbye. I'm not. I love you all so much and the fact that I'm casting off a lifestyle and thought pattern does not mean I'm casting off you. I'm not even sure that as a person I've really changed all that much. I'm still the same me as I was before. Just with a slightly different outlook on life. Some good things fell apart. Some better things are starting to fall together. Strange how such a small change can make such a big difference.

(Stylistically, it pains me to end two posts in a row with a YouTube video. But I can't resist this song.)